Finally Free to Live
 Congratulations, you've made it!!! You've come through to finally be in your own home...Your own space...Your sanctuary. Well done! You are truly on the road to recovery. For me this period bordered on ecstasy. It had been over a year since the suspicions started, 8 months since I'd filed for divorce. There were times when I thought I'd never make it. There were times when I just felt like giving in but with God's help I kept the faith. My ex had moved out of the tomb two weeks before I did and in with her new partner. This gave me something valuable that I only realise now...Closure. I cried and mourned in that period. The last 15 years weren't easy but that's a lot of time to spend with a person.
A word of warning. You've settled into your sanctuary and I must warn you. Whatever and whoever you allow into your world comes with your permission. It's now when you are at your weakest and you will be susceptible to attention and kindness. Let's face it, you've been starved of normal companionship for along time. When it comes along, you'll be like a starvation victim, lapping up every last drop. Be careful, it's now when you're in danger of repeating the past.
 Now I was truly on my own for the first time in my life. We'd settled for joint custody with each having Tom on alternate weeks. The weeks he was with me were great. When he went back to his mother was great. I was on my own. Soon I really started to miss the intimacy of a relationship. On more than one occasion I had to check myself before commenting to my non-existant partner. It could have been something on TV or in the paper or even a phone ringing.
 I started to feel the need for a partner in life again. I'd always enjoyed marriage and relationships. I loved the family unit and loved doing things together. Now the sensible individual would realise that that was now gone. Noooooo, not me. I started dating again but the women I met seemed to lack something. Don't get me wrong, they were lovely, intelligent and bright. All the things my ex was not. But something was missing. I knew that there was someone out there waiting for me. My soulmate, call then whatever you will but I knew it...I felt it... I even dreamt about her! One night I even woke up and could feel her breathing on me....
The heart I seek may not be found,
She may lie bleeding on some far ground,
The victim of a cruel and vicious hand,
Brutalised by animals in the shape of man.
But yet I still feel her weakening heartbeat,
I can feel her pain and the tears she weeps,
I can feel her loneliness and growing misery,
And I know she can feel what I've hidden in me.
In our dreams I know we've already met,
Our hearts have touched but my mind forgets,
Her face, her eyes and the colour of her hair,
But in that brief moment gone was all despair.
Just the innocent hope of two lost hearts,
That still search for each other in a World gone dark,
For now we still meet in the dreams of sleep,
We touch, we smile...We do not weep.
Until the rising of an unkind sun,
Rips apart two hearts that beat as one,
I know you live and I can feel you breathe,
I know you're out there and I will not leave.
The search for the body where you hide your heart,
But it's hard to find when all I see has gone dark,
I may not remember your face or sparkling eyes,
The colour of your skin and what you disguise.
But I know when our eyes finally meet,
Our hearts will shout so loud and start to weep,
There you are...You're the One;
And the end of our search has at long-last come.
I know you're out there and I can feel,
The pain you hide and what you fight to heal,
I promise I will not stop searching this dark land,
Until I can finally take your trembling hand.
copyright: Alan Graham 2002 - 2010
Are you out there? I wish I knew,
My fear I'll never find you is coming true,
In the texture of the night, I can feel you there,
It's almost as if I'm breathing your air.
I can feel your presence as you gently sigh,
The warmth of your breath and suddenly realise,
That I'll never find you and we'll never meet,
As I wander alone on the streets of broken dreams.
I do not need you to make me complete,
For I am my own person but what I do seek,
Is the sharing of two minds in one heart,
But for now I look forward to the dark.
I may have once read or was told,
That the eyes are the windows to the soul,
I believe the truth in this simple phrase,
And the hidden beauty your eyes will betray.
As they sparkle with flashes of wit and wisdom,
Protected from deep within your heart's kingdom.
If I'm ever fated to gaze into those eyes,
It's your hearts truth I'll see, free from all lies.
I'll see the great depth to your heart's ocean,
With your eyes betraying the swirling emotions,
I'll see all that you are - The good and the bad,
You're what I've searched for but never had.
We'll learn of all this in a blink of our eyes,
Along with the pain that the scars can't disguise,
We're not unique in what we've suffered or feel,
There are millions out there that struggle to heal.
And a precious few that can't face the next day,
As they give up their struggle and slowly fade away,
It's the pain that's made us who we've become,
And that learning that's brought us back into the sun.
It's the woman I want that's learned from her past,
And I'll keep searching for you right up to my last.
copyright: Alan Graham 2002 - 2010
I eventually gave up my search and just resigned myself to a live alone. Perhaps that's what this was all about? I decided if I'd date, I'd date for friendship. God had other ideas....and they one day...She came...
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