Divorce - The Darkness Grows.

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The Darkness of Divorce Descends

This was perhaps, the hardest time for me, she changed overnight. Suddenly she started to go out in the evening when she hardly ever before. She grew remote and extremely sensitive over the strangest things. It seemed that I could do, or say, nothing that was right. She grew moody in the evenings when she was in and over attentive the next day after a night out.

It was like living with Jeckyll and Hyde. Some days it almost seemed like I was an intrusion. She sat there deep in thought and when I spoke it was as if she was unaware I was there. After several months of this I finally plucked up the courage and asked her if she was seeing someone else. She denied it even though I assured her that we could work through anything if we we're both honest.

The final day of the marriage dawned three weeks before the sun came up. She had arranged to go away on an over night course to Birmingham at the end of January 2002. She said that she would call to say goodnight to our son, Tom - The only call came from a withheld number that hung up when he answered. Now here's the strange thing, that night I was alone on bed trying to sleep when I got the feeling that someone was on top of me! It completely freaked me out. The next day she came back and I confronted her but she denied. I pressed and she cried her eyes out, I felt like shit and let it drop.

Three weeks later a friend and a close confidant called me and said that he'd checked with all the hotels and motels in Birmingham and she was registered nowhere. He asked if I wanted to know more…Something in me said yes. I don't know which part but I had to know. I had to put this behind me, behind us. I went home and asked her yet again but she denied. I finally said that we'd drive up in the morning and put this behind us once and for all.

I woke in the middle of the night with us cuddling in bed. I knew it would be the last time. Surprisingly I slept and woke later than normal. It was 830 on the morning and I went downstairs and she was there. I said I'd get ready but she said it wasn't necessary. She told me it all and it turned out she was in a motel just 15 miles away with her boyfriend. I asked her to leave and she refused saying that we must work this out.

In the end I shouted at her to get out and she refused still saying she wanted to work this out. Eventually she left and I was left on my own. Now you'd think that I'd suspected this all along and that I would be ready - I wasn't. I just sat there is total disbelief and numb. After about an hour I went upstairs and dressed and went into the town centre. I thought that if I'd cleared my head I could think. I couldn't, I just walked around aimlessly looking for answers to a question I didn't have the courage to ask myself.

I eventually found myself at home again and I just stood outside and looked at the house. I knew, there was no question, no evaluating, no thought. I just knew I'd had enough. The last 4 months had been hell and I could not bring myself to spend the rest of my life with this woman trying to put this behind me. Someone once said that "the truth will out". Shame that they didn't mention the price. It should have been, "the truth will out and it's gonna hurt". It invariable does for everyone involved.

This is the start of your long path and things are going to get a lot worse. You feel betrayal, pain, anger, grief, more anger and eventually rage. Nothing is the same, even food tastes differently and more importantly, you won't be the same again. You will be stronger and unfortunately, more cynical. You can survive, you will survive and with God's help you will get through this. I wrote these poems early in her games to try and get her to pay attention and wake up to what it was doing to our marriage... They didn't work….

15 years - more smiles than frowns,
15 years - more ups than downs,
15 years - to grow much stronger,
15 years - to last much longer.

On year five a cherished bundle,
That turned their lives into a muddle,
As the years passed by they grew,
Stronger as three that once was two.

On year twelve darkness fell,
On the three and where they dwell,
Lies and shouts came on the one,
From thieves and liars on what they'd done.

The three stayed strong and still were one,
They sold the home that they had done,
To pay for the mistakes of the past,
The three grew stronger, tight and fast.

They fought the wolf from the door,
To rebuild their life on a different shore,
They vowed they would learn from the past,
They pledged their love that would last.

And what became of the three as one,
In the fifteenth year they came undone.

copyright: Alan Graham 2001 - 2008


Silence has no words that heal,
Our broken hearts and how we feel,
Of all of Satan's cruelest minion's,
Comes this bastard silent demon,

Silence will never stop a war,
Or feed the starving and the poor.
It prays upon my deepest fears,
Bringing with it more pain and tears.

Silence is, as only silence knows,
The twisted riddles that it pose,
There is no inner voice of reason,
In this Hell of lovelorn treason.

With eyes so deep and heart so kind,
No greater partner could I find,
Once we had a love so true,
That lit my life, my heart and you.

To the broken hearts that must find,
The truth behind the lies that bind,
This suffering that's become our life,
This tissue of lies that's become my wife.

I will not live in a life of lies,
Or sacrifice my love to despise,
The woman that once was my wife,
The woman that once was my life.

Now the most painful words I hear from you,
Are four twisted daggers - "I love you too".

copyright: Alan Graham 2002 - 2010