Now Comes the Dangerous Comfort of Rage
 When you finally find out, all you can feel is anger and then complete and utter numbness. A short while later feelings like humiliation, rejection, betrayal and even more isolation. Then you start to think that it's your fault or you're lacking something to hold your partner's interest. IT'S NOT! - If your partner needed another person then it's their choice, not yours! You just have to live with it, or in my case - NOT!
It was at this time that I found the Bible in the 2nd hand book sale and made my promise to God. Important note: you have to believe that he can help you.
Rage and anger will keep you focused but they will eventually sap your strength and start to warp your thinking.  I was looking through the local paper when I noticed that the local church was running a divorce workshop. I called and spoke to a kind lady called Margaret. Going to this was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Friends and family are supportive but to sit around in a circle listening to some of the horror stories from complete strangers helped me so much. It showed me that no matter how savage I felt my divorce was, there were people in much worse situations. Sadly the women outnumbered the men 4 / 1 - A damnimg indictment on my gender.
It's very, very important to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This group helped me see this and with their help I was able to start the long path to recovery. This is a very delicate time for you.
 Please seek help when you're ready - Do not give up the fight to get up and carry on, do not give up the belief you will get over this if you allow yourself to.This is where my poetry took a darker and much more penetrative exploration into my rage. The resulting poetry not only astounded me but also unlocked my despair...
Another Day had died this evening,
With it comes my nightly feeding,
Gorging on the misery,
Fed by pain I hid deep within me.
It starts with the twilight of self-doubt,
Then comes the sting of casting out,
The tears I've gathered through the day,
The loneliness I put away.
There are no bright starts shining through,
This cold, black night that is my mood,
The ache begins to grow again,
As my evil companion calls from within.
As this demon starts his work,
My hope is replaced by my hurt,
My hurt then turns to hostility,
At the wretching heap I've come to be.
Then an old friend comes rushing back,
My ol' pal, Hate, is out to hatch,
Revenge for what was done to me,
This bitch and her friend will soon see.
They've crossed & wronged an innocent man,
They'll pay for this thanks to Hate's plan,
I'll watch as they are torn and battered,
Until their new life's smashed and shattered.
Yes! That's it , I'll make them pay,
I'll make them suffer in my way,
Then they'll see the mistake they've made,
And the price that must now be paid.
Then an unwanted thought comes through,
What have you done to make her prove,
That she's finally had enough,
Your life together's been too tough.
I realise what I've lost too late,
A wife, a friend... my ideal mate,
Then Hate leaves, in disgust, as fast as he came,
And with his departure comes back pain.
Now I sit at night and plan ,
The recovery of this broken man,
A man that once had everything,
A man whose Queen once made him King.
As the clock nears three in the morning,
With thoughts of my dark future dawning,
Nightmare visions attack me,
From a broken life for all to see.
I look around this desolate place,
And realise now I must escape,
Escape the fate that awaits all,
Who will not fight and finally fall.
Fuck 'em, let 'em try and stop,
This wretch and his rise to the top,
Back from the depths that I had fallen,
Back to a life of my own calling.
If you turn the other cheek,
A revolving head you'll have to keep,
Learn your lesson from my plight,
Or you'll have your Vampyre Nights
copyright: Alan Graham 2002 - 2010
Six weeks ago the life I knew tragically passed away,
The disease was short but painless until the final days,
I tried to fight the illness but it was impossible to beat,
As is in all known cases of Terminal Deceit.
The symptoms started five weeks before the marriage's demise,
As the patient exhibited attacks of unbelievably stupid lies,
As much as I tried to save it, the symptoms still persisted,
It soon became obvious, that my attempts would be unassisted.
Without the patient's help to stop and try to recover,
These lies would be a death rattle, as we would soon discover,
Then came the cold morning when the marriage finally died,
As she cried her eyes out and admitted that she'd lied.
I watched as my marriage took it's final breath,
Then with it, my life and my heart, met its untimely death,
In that ugly moment when our marriage finally died,
The patient was still crying and spitting her begging lies.
Suddenly in that moment, an old adage came to mind,
It's not the face we marry but what's hidden deep inside,
I looked down at my dead marriage lying on the carpeted floor,
Then I knew what was left, would never be as before.
The cruellest irony of all with this terrible disease,
Is there is no such thing as a sweet or merciful release,
With our marriage dead, the diseased patient still persists,
Spitting lies like ;I love You and she refuses to desist.
Time actually stands still, as your marriage passes away,
Your brain refuses to accept, what's clearly been displayed,
For what seems eternity, you exists in this silent hell,
where there is no thought or feeling, to exorcise this spell.
Cold numbness is a blessing as you struggle to maintain,
Your weakening grip on reality as insanity attacks your brain,
The next few weeks it seems your life's on a silver screen,
For everyone's amusement at your tears & wailing screams.
I was somewhat fortunate to have the worry of our young son,
And the effect this bereavement, would have on this little one,
This gave me the strength, to live in this nightmare land,
Where Pain's now become my lover and Hate, my wedding band.
After fifteen years of a loving relationship,
All that's left are bureaucrats and their ever tightening grip,
My warning to all couples who yearn to be much smarter,
Beware the fairytale ending - They lived happily ever after
copyright: Alan Graham 2002 - 2010
|
