Beyond the Edge of Reason
Any child of abuse will can turn either way. Become passive, except when threatened, or tuen into a predator themselves and spread the sickening disease that infceted them. I was fortunate, in as much as, I was too young to retain a conscious memory of the events but I did bear the emotional scars of this tragedy.
Just after my son was born I made a passive attempt at suicide. I throught it was because I had allowed my self to become betrayed by a father fiqure I worked for... I was wrong. The betrayal was just the trigger that drove me donw the path. The real reason would not become evident until I was 46 years old. Some 12 years later.
What makes a lost soul seek to find,
A way to end a life that binds,
A misery that's become too great,
Where pain and confusion dominate.
I think through what I have seen,
And through my suffering my senses seem,
Enlightened to the mistakes I've made,
Enlightened to what I tried to evade.
The truth is I've been to the edge,
And stood upon that lonely ledge.
Alone I stared into the beckoning abyss,
And wondered what I'd really miss.
A life that's become an endless fight,
A life devoid of all hope and light,
Where friends and liars become a dark blurs,
Where there is no truth from spoken words.
In that second when you make your choice,
Suddenly there are no more ravenous voices,
There are no more fights or sleepless nights,
And in this new tranquil calm your mind delights.
I've have never known so much peace,
As I when I decided it's time to cease,
My fight to maintain this life of lies,
As I leapt from the ledge committed to die.
As I consigned my life into the abyss,
With each swallowed tablet I felt death's soft kiss,
When I'd finally taken what I needed,
I smiled at the thought that I'd finally succeeded.
I sat back on the park bench content,
As I waved goodbye to the life I'd spent,
And under the warm sun with birds song,
I knew the end would not be long.
As I drifted into blackness darker than night,
I suddenly remembered that I'd forgotten to write,
A Note to my loved ones saying last goodbyes,
Explaining that the time has come for me to die.
My last clear memory is staggering to me feet,
Determined that my last task on earth would be complete,
After that just bright flashes of pictures in my brain,
Then being dragged from my bed and taken in the rain.
As my mind started to clear I realised that I had failed,
My doorway from this world had been shut, locked and nailed,
Then bitter disappointment as I started to recover,
But the reason for my exodus would take 14 years to discover.
copyright: Alan Graham 2002 - 2010
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